Can You Hear Me Now?

Communication is one of those subjects where it seems the more we talk, the less we understand. Communication is just as likely to fail between enemies, as it is friends. There are many reasons why experts say communication fails between the sexes, the races, and nations.  

The potential for “failure to communicate properly” significantly increases when there are two opposing thoughts. When we are in agreeement in thought we generally utiulize good listening skills. Why? (1) we like what we are hearing; (2) since we like what we are hearing, we really listen; (3) when we really listen, we are able to utilize good listen techniques to encourage the speaker and validate their thoughts; and, this creates a loose and peaceful atmosphere. However, when there are opposing thoughts, we become more consumed with being heard and being right than to effectively communicate.

You are not a good communicator, if (1) you must have the first and the last word; (2) you cut people off before they finish their thought(s); (3) you dominate the conversation with long monologues and refuse to let people respond to your first point; (4) you are able to respond the second after a person finishes a thought. This suggests you were formulating a thought while they were still speaking and could not have fully listened in detailed to all of their thoughts.

Here are some keys to good communication:

1. Before you speak, have a goal of what you would like to accomplish.
2. Set ground rules. This is like a game, with no rules, there is chaos (e.g., # of questions at a time, time limits on speech, no cussing, no radio or televison on… what ever you as a couple or group decide on– this will different for each group and each occasion).
3. Listen carefully. Take notes if you need to. We often go on tangents and forget the main points.
4. Make sure you have enough time, so you do not have to rush through an important conversation.
5. Think before you speak. Take time to marinate on the words just spoken to you. Pause before you speak. Then rephrase what the person just said to make sure you heard them correctly and to let them know you were listening.
6. It is not a bad idea to have some comments pre-scripted in your head. Yes, this means have a pre-conversation with yourself. Imagine what the possible comments or questions might be and be ready for them.
7. When you talk, talk faster than normal, but not too fast. Why? The average person can hear 700 words a minute, but the average person speaks at about 125 words a minute. What does this mean? A person can hear you and attend to other things at the same time. That is why when you ask someone if they are listening (because you know they are not listening) and they say “yes” and can repeat what you just said. If you speak a little faster, you force people to use more brain power to listen to you and reduces the chance of them attending to other thoughts simultaneously.
8. Imagine the conversation being peaceful and ending positively.
9. Recognize RED FLAGS in the communication: raising your voice, ready to hit the other person, not listneing (but pretending to listen). When these flags rise up, it may be best to take a small break of a few minutes or few days.
10. Try to remember previous arguments. What an you learn from the past. Generally arguments are re-run arguments, even if the characters change.
11. Record or Video Tape your conversation and review it togehter. All great sport athletes and speakers have learned that reviewing tape of yourself can help improve your performance for the next event.

Remember, some words can hurt worst than other words; some words can hurt worst than physical punishment. You cannot take some things back, so be careful, especially if this is someone who you claim to love. Can you hear me now?

Blessings and Prayers

The BLAQUESMITH

~ by blaquesmith20 on June 21, 2008.