To Spank or not to Spank
In the Book of Proverbs, it states “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Then it states “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”
What is your opinion on this topic of spanking? Some believe that spankings of any kind is barbaric and only produces more violent behavior. This is National Child Abuse Awareness Month, so I thought it appropriate to tackle this controversial topic.
To spank or not to spank? In this society, people will call yo butt in to Social Services in a minute if they see you blink too hard at a child. As a mandatory reporter (someone who must report any type of abuse or neglect) I am put into a precarious position becasue I have to subjectively decide what is abuse or neglect to report. A mandatory reporter does not give the final decision, they are merely reporters. Some things are quite obvious to report, right? or are they?
I am not for parents BEATING there kids to the point of death (literally). I am not for caregivers shaking little babies. I am not for parents taking out their frustrations on their children to release their anger. However, short of these horrific things…. it really depends for me. I have a lot of colleagues whose opinions differ greatly from me. They concur with the philosphy that spankings are barbaric. “Oh, they got hit with a belt.” they say. I be thinking in my mind “And?” And, what else happened because that in itself is not abuse to me.
In the culture I was raised in, spankings, whoopings, beatings (whatever you call it) was common place. A spanking in itself is not barbaric to me. I believe it can be a useful and very motivating tool, if used correctly. It all depends on the spanker. Discipline comes in many forms, sometimes it is physical. To eliminate spankings from your arsenal is to, possibly, limit your effectiveness. Children are different. As a parent, you should know your child and what is the proper form of discipline to create the desired behavior. All spankings do no have to be hard. Sometimes a small tap can feel like the whip of “massa” to a child who longs for the approval of a parent, for that tenderhearted child that wants to make their mommy and daddy proud.
For those who want to get it twisted, LISTEN!! I do not condone this as the only effective means of discipline. In fact, if this is your only way to discipline, you are in need of more skills in your discipline repertoire. We as Black people, sometimes, take too much pride in saying “we beat our kids.” Hell, if you got to beat your kids too much, that me be more of an indication of your parenting skills, or lack thereof. It should pain you to have to beat your child. Remember this saying: “This is going to hurt me more than it is does you.” If this is not the case, check yourself. If you are beating a kid when you are angry, you may do something you regret, check yourself. If you have to apologize after a beating because inwardly you say to yourself “I did not mean to do that.” Again, you need to check yourself.
And after the beatings, is there any explanation to show what was done wrong and what is expected for the future. The days of “Because, I said so is gone.” I believe the parent is the PARENT, but if there is no instruction behind the beating; it not discipline, it is just an azz whoopin’. And, let’s be real… you can only “beat” a kid for so long. Or what, you gon be like Mabel King on What’s Happening… whooping a High School senior? What are you going to do after they are too big to beat?
Now, back to the non-believers. Many good parents have been reported for doing their parental duties. Before you report somebody, make sure you understand the situation. Recognize there are differences in discipline among families and cultures. A difference is not a deficit! Just because you don’t agree with it does not mean it is wrong. Your way is “a” way not “the” only way. To assume any other thing is bodering on cultural/ethnic chauvinism.
BTW, abuse comes in many other forms. Some people do not beat with belts, but beat children with words. Some people beat children up mentally. Some people financially support, but physically neglect in time—that’s a form of abuse, beloved. Spanking is not right? Are you even a parent? Is your house in order? Are you also reporting these types of abuse?
Parenting is a humbling position, we can all learn some new techniques to improve our skills. Parenting is difficult. We need an aresnal of tools for discipline. What works today, might not work for later today or tomorrow. Learn your child. Try to set them up for success with being firm, fair, and consistent in your behaviors and expectations. Ask yourself, am I creating an environment conducive for suuccess for my child?
Bottom Line. It is a time for everything. A time for a time-out. A time for punishment. A time to take away the TV or X-Box. A time to spank. A time for a mean look. A time for a verbal warning. And, sometimes, it is time to let your children know you are a bit crazy. Children will test the limits. That is healthy, just make the boundaries clear and consistent. Lastly, remember to play with your child, read with your child, talk with your child, have fun with your child. All of these will result in more loving and hugs, which will decrease the need for any type of discipline or punishment.
The BLAQUESMITH
I think spankings should be an option in the repetiore of discipline, but used as a last resort. I also think parents have to design a plan to ensure the punishment matches the crime. Spankings should be reserved for the breaches of misconduct that need immediate discontinued actions!
I would have to agree with Alisia. Spankings, for me, are a last resort. The parent of two (ages 7 and 3), I tend to play to their intelligence. It takes tremendous patience; but I believe teaches them to use their minds–think about what they did, why they did it, and why they SHOULD NOT do it again. The world is a much tougher place. Our children must be prepared to know and understand; as opposed to fearing a ‘beat down’. They need to learn how to make better and appropriate decisions when the threat of a spanking is not present. Teach them to do the right thing(s) because it’s the ‘right thing’ to do; not because ‘I don’t want to get a spanking’. Now, that is not to say that I won’t spank them at all. Again, it’s just a last resort for me.
While I am a limited spanker, I always question what is the value of spanking. I remember that I was a “spirited” child who would challenge authority at school. I had my elementary teachers going!!! Anyway, I never received bad academic grades, but always received poor conduct gradess. So, I could have a 4.0, but if I had a poor comment about my attitude or the challenging thing, I would get a whooping. Fast forward 30 years later…Okay…I still challnenge authority and have a bad attitude! LOL!!! I saw similar situations with my siblings. One of my sisters is slick as grease and used to get the beatdown for being slick…fast forward! She is still slick. So, what did the whoopings really yield? Don’t get me wrong, it certainly provides some boundaries in the home. But in terms of altering a person’s constitution, I don’t think it is really that affective.
If you spank, I think it should be a last alternative, for something severe; whereby, you’ve tried a variety of non-physical punishment or discipline. It’s amazing, you can have four children in the house, and all four children have a different personality; that require different forms of discipline. Spankings don’t work for every child; so you have to adjust yourself accordingly.
I do feel children have a tendency to “act out” more when you don’t spend quality time with them. If you only interact with children when its time to discipline, I think you’re doing your child and you’re doing yourself a disservice. Just as Dr. Smith said, if you provide play time; attend their school functions; spend time playing games; spend time talking you can deter certain behaviors altogether.
I would also say, if you’re going to spank, make sure you take a time out; never spank immediately when you are at your angriest.
Although i have been spanked in my lifetime, i have continued to do things “wrong” in according to the puinishment applied. If i was hit with a belt for staying out to late i wasn’t going to stay out late again. But if i was slapped on the hand for not saying grace before eating 9 out of 10 times i would forget to say grace again because the punishment didnt reflect on me as abuse. I figure in each and every child spankings differ. Every child might not learn from the punishment applied and some might catch on right away. So as Far as spankings are concerned their only essential if you know how to use them effectively , but dont think to go to the extreme to think that would be the most effective way!